dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
