I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
