They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
