Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
