i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
