Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
