I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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