Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
