I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
