when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
