everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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