Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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