How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
