he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
