Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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