Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
