I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
