I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
