Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
