Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
