you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
