My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
