he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I party with great urgency now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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