i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
