You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
