before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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