Jerry, you need to find god
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
