I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
