If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
