CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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