I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
