Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize