Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
