Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
