Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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