Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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