You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
