this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
