Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
