she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
