These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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