mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
