I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
