Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
