I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
