I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
