just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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