last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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