The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
