when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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